Barnaby Rogerson, The Last Crusaders: East, West and the Battle for the Centre of the World .

The Last Crusaders wasn’t the book I thought it was. I saw the words ‘Habsburg’ and ‘Ottoman’ and assumed it was about battles in the Balkans and the siege of Vienna in the 17^th Century, but it turned out to be based much earlier, and concerned rivalry in the Mediterranean between the Spanish Habsburgs and the Turk. Curiously, large parts of the book are dedicated to Portugal, who seem to be a pet nation of the author and his family. I pictured him wearing a Portugal shirt and tucking into Nando’s as he wrote the book, extolling the virtues of Henry the Navigator and his ravaging of the Berber coast.Most of the book was read on a business trip to Norwich, my first trip away since Libby was born. I missed the family, but it was lovely to have an uninterrupted night’s sleep.

Freddie’s bedtime ritual has become more and more elaborate. The ritual begins about twenty to seven, when Freddie is reminded it’s nearly bathtime. Fred then asks to play with trains for ‘a bit more’, which is granted. Then, when it’s time for bath at quarter to seven, Freddie shouts ‘I don’t want a bath’, and he is given the option of a wash instead. Fred then asks ‘What sort of wash?’ (Ungrammatical, but he is only three), and is given the options. Downstairs Wash. Upstairs Wash. Upside-down Wash. Spinning Wash. Dragon Wash (where the wash is nominally administered by his dragon-shaped toothbrush). Fred selects and then I go upstairs to collect two toothbrushes, a bucket, a towel, a flannel and a laundry-basket’s worth of pyjama tops and bottoms. Fred then protests at the wash while lifting up his top to show anyone in the room his belly button. Tickling and blowing raspberries is required at this stage to keep Fred from running off.

Fred is then offered a selection of pyjamas, none of which he likes. After some complaints, he finally settles on the ones he was originally offered. There is normally an additional quirk demanded, such as wearing a vest over his pyjama top, or a hat, or wellies. This may or may not be acceded to, depending on levels of tiredness in both the dresser and dressee, practicality, and humour value. After that we kiss Helen and Libby good night and head upstairs. The next stage is Freddie’s reward chart, where he is rewarded for good behaviour in a number of categories, including getting dressed nicely, eating his food nicely and sharing his toys. If he has done such nice things, he is rewarded with a magnetic star, which is added to his chart. Once seven stars are reached, Fred is rewarded with a trip to the Magic Box Keeper.

The Magic Box Keeper is me wearing Helen’s pink bobble hat; a pretence which Fred can obviously see through, but which he maintains as it means he gets a present. I (as me) wander off claiming to be looking for Magic Box Keeper (we don’t use the definite article, there is no clear reason why not). I (now wearing Helen’s pink bobble hat) quickly return, and announce myself as the Magic Box Keeper. Fred then hands me his seven stars, which I store in Helen’s hat, and Fred is allowed to pick something from the Magic Box (in reality a red FLÖRT box from Ikea), which contains stickers, sweets and small toys.

Treat selected, Fred then requests to be able to sleep with the treat. This is allowed. Next, it is time for Circle and Square show. Freddie runs into our bedroom and climbs onto the bed, while I locate a torch and the level crossing from his wooden railway. The torchbeam has a circular shadow in the middle when held approx 2m from a wall, and is the ‘Circle’. The Level crossing is held by me in front of the Torch, and its shadow provides the ‘Square’. Sometimes Fred will request that Square be replaced by a special guest star for the evening, such as a toy rabbit or teddy bear. Circle and Square (or substitute) are good friends, and each evening perform a short play for Fred’s delectation. The fourth wall is frequently broken and Circle and Square address their friend Freddie directly, sometimes receiving a kiss from him. Watching a toddler kiss the shadow of a level crossing is surprisingly sweet. Circle and Square do some dancing, jumping and running, and then claim to be tired and in need of a sleep. Freddie follows them without question (!) into his bedroom, and Circle and Square disappear under his bed to sleep. Freddie will then state whether he wishes to do stickers, do a puzzle or read a story. He is allowed to do two things. Those two things completed (usually stories, usually Thomas the Tank Engine), the lights go out and Freddie is tucked in. He will then request ‘Daddysleepwithmealittlebit’ while making the internationally recognised sign for ‘a little bit’ with his hand. I then lie down on the floor beside his bed. Fred will then say ‘wantacuddle’. I then place my hand on his shoulder. We then fall asleep exhausted. . .